Functional Fitness

By: Jordan Shallow

In the old days fit-fads were something only found on late night infomercials and early morning pseudo-erotic exercise programs. Every three months or so, the tide would wash out the old and bring in the next gizmo, gadget or DVD box-set that was sure deemed to fail. And all was all well and good- you put up with the catchy slogans, and stupid logic, had a laugh at its expense and carried on with your life.
But today in this insta-fit, crossfit- guru, self-proclaimed expert state of the industry we are constantly inundated with bull shit, and everyone with a smartphone and an oversized tire in their possession attaches themselves to ambiguous buzzwords in order to seem relevant. The buzzword du jour seems to be “ functional fitness”.

Functional fitness is nothing more than a marketing ploy by shitty small time gym owners to get soccer mom to spend 150$ a month at a facility that is equipped with nothing more than some chin up bars, mismatched kettle bells, and home made wooden boxes.

If everyone who was sold on the “ functional fitness ” actually evaluated their own daily function and wanted to train accordingly, then powerlifting and strongman gyms would be on every corner.

Anyone here carry their groceries to their car in a single hand over head walking lunge? Or find the need to repeatedly swing your laundry basket between your legs. Or get out off bed every morning in a Turkish get-up style? No? Didn’t think so, then how are these staple movements in “functional gyms” helpful to you and YOUR function? Answer; they’re not.

Bottom line is it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to draw up a workout that’s going to kick your ass, hell; I could make a workout with one pushup in it that would make you sore for three days. It does however take more than a brainstem to draw up an effective workout, which is tailored to your specific needs and your specific function. So the next time someone tries to sell you on this idea of “functional fitness” I want you to put your hand over your wallet and start running in the opposite direction.

Stay Strong,


Jordan Shallow